You could argue that Christmas Eve is no time to return to the blogosphere. Christmas Eve, you could argue, is a time to watch It's a Wonderful Life with one's wonderful family.
I know, I know! I tried to do it! I try every year to do it! But every time we get to the Christmas Eve scene where George Bailey yells at his daughter to stop playing the piano, my entire body is flooded with anguish. "Panic" may be a better descriptor. I legit can't roll with it. It's a triumph if I can work up the holiday chutzpah to leave a platter of cookies for the big guy after that. Admittedly, I have never before been armed with "Good Friday" from the new Kanye. Any kinda chutzpah you need, that song's gonna grease you up. But that's neither here nor there because tonight, I straight up left before the scene rolled around. The elder Bailey daughter started working those keys and I tore out of the room so fast I knocked several dormant sandals to the side in my Tasmanian cyclone.
Perhaps it's a tenuous connection, but my anxiety around viewing this scene- which is only about four minutes long and clearly foreshadows an eventual redirection of fortune- feels very similar to my somewhat oppressive blogging anxiety. This aforementioned blogging anxiety
-is the reason I haven't blogged since my birthday, despite consistent positive feedback from Carolyn
-is both assuaged and exacerbated by long blogging hiatuses
-is currently causing an internal monologue that goes kinda like: AAAHH WHAT ARE YOU DOING BLOGGING ABOUT YOUR OWN PYSCHE ON XMAS EVE- BLOG ABOUT YOUR FAMILY- BLOG ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS- BLOG ABOUT BOOKS- YOU'RE FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS- YOU'RE SPEAKING TO A VOID- YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE- I KNOW BUT I CAN'T!
My mother eloquently described this conflict as a sensitivity to the pressure of creative engagements. She's probably right (never known her not to be) and I have therefore decided that my Personal Growth Challenge for 2011 is to overcome this sensitivity by doing things I didn't do too much of in 2010, like blog, write in my notebook, write some poems or stuff, use colors, and read novels. And probably also experience things like Feeling Sad During Sad Movie Scenes and Listening to Music that Isn't for Dancing (connection: Listening to a beautiful mix CD from #METASWAG for the fourth time, and just skipped the Joanna Newsom track for the fourth time. When am I gonna wanna be that sad? But when I was younger I loved being sad with songs! Gotta put in a lil plug here for #Metaswag's recent series, Music of 2010 in review. Do check out!)
Well. This is longer than a blog entry should probably be. (ANXIETY- IT'S TOO LONG- WHO WOULD READ THIS- IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY- WHAT TIME IS IT- SHOULD I GO TO MIDNIGHT MASS WITH NANA?- CATHOLIC JEW COMBO GUILT GUILT GUILT- ENTITLED- MY LIFE IS ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD). I'll finish up with a few fun facts:
1. The last novel I read was Shanghai Girls by Lisa See. I'm way down with it! So into sisters; the whole sisterhood concept.
2. I have my buttercream frosting recipe committed to memory, and I made it today when my Nana asked me to ice the sugar cookies. Baby steps, when it comes to cooking.
3. I can't believe Laney leaves for London in a week, but I'm so excited and hope she'll let me post some pix right here if she doesn't blog herself.
4. Still pretty unable to get over how great my brother is. And he plays jazz bass!
Ok ok. I think we might be back around to the happy ending! Gonna juice this baby up with some links (an ALittleleeway stylistic choice I adopt with no fear), pick a pic, and go enjoy my wonderful life. Well. Probably gonna listen to "Good Friday" one more time. Just in case Mr. Potter's still on top when I head back upstairs. Happy eve to all!
