L

Life on this Lovely planet is sometimes not. Last afternoon, Lighthearted from a Laid-back Lunch with my dad, I ask to be Let off at a Local (Lie: it was actually a muLtinationaL) book store to Look for some Light airplane reading.

(I will now stop using the Lilting alphabetical Language, as this blog is a Little bit sad.)

When I was walking up to the door, that thing happened where a person with a physical disability is walking up to the door at around the same time as you. This thing that happens is not a bad thing. If it happens with just me and a person who most likely will have difficulty opening the door, I just ask if that person would like me to hold the door. If yes, great. If no, also great. But this was one of those situations in which there are some other, apparently able-bodied people accompanying the other party. I guess a good rule of thumb in this sitch is to still ask if anyone would like help with the door. This time, I didn't do that. Instead, I tried to use eye contact and body language to figure out if I should hurry through the door and let the other party take their time with entering (Option 1) or hold the door for all three people (Option 2).

This blog entry is taking me a long time to write. I go back to Berkeley in 3 days and for a fifth semester have failed to take advantage of our excellent Disability Studies program. I am doing my best here, but I keep thinking about this article GoddessMom found about the danger of intent. Oh well.

The point is, I my eye contact and body language were not sufficient forms of communication in this particular case. A woman walking with the man with a physical disability stepped in front of me and said, "I'll hold the door, honey."

I smiled. I was quick. I did not think much of it.

"No problem," she said again. "You just get inside as quickly as possible, honey, and I'll hold the door for my husband with the walking stick and the oxygen."

At this point, 'sphere, I thought that I might detect something along the lines of sarcasm.

"Ma'am," I said. "I'm sorry; we had a miscommunication. I was going to hold the door-"

"No, you weren't," she said.

"Okay," I said. Feeling kind of Like a Loser.

24 hours Later, I still feel pretty shitty about this hostile interaction. There are many things I could tell myself, Like that this woman was having a frustrating day, and I was in her Line of vision. Or that this was a Little Lesson: always ask when it's unclear if people with disabilities would like assistance. Or most importantly, that I have Less than 3 days Left, and my attention needs to be on the people I Love and not on someone I don't know who doesn't Like one thing I did. No need to Lament. At least the Royal Tenenbaums is on.